Take things day by day? I'm just working on getting through the seconds.

Since I made the decision to stop drinking, I've realized how badly addicted I truly was. Not drinking feels like someone told me to stop breathing. The first day, I felt fine. Other than wanting to have a drink. And thinking about it every single second of the entire day. The second day, my hands started shaking so badly I could barely pick up a glass of water. My skin was clammy, and I felt like the sweat was pouring off of me. It actually was. I started wearing a toque just so it didn't drip into my eyes. With all of this sweating, you'd think I was hot. Nope, I had all of the windows shut, the radiator in both rooms cranked, and I was in bed with four blankets on me. I might have also been wearing long underware, pj pants, long sleeved shirt, and a hoodie.

I stayed in bed for two days, sleeping for no more than two hours at a time. When I could remember I tried to fill up my water jug. I left the apartment once (in my pj's, hair a mess, with blood shot eyes) to buy smokes. Some guy parked his truck across four spots. I called him an asshole. I got punched. My fault. I was just this angry, crazy looking lady, yelling at him and spewing profanity. I got my smokes, got home and made a voodoo doll. I'm just kidding. I have no idea how to make a voodoo doll. I actually just reflected upon my actions, and meditated.

Today was the first morning that I actually felt like getting out of bed. My head was clear, I didn't feel like I was hungover, just extremely weak. Three days of subsiding on nothing but water tends to do that to a person. I cleaned my oven, thought about buying booze, talked to a union rep at work, thought about buying booze, took a shower, thought about buying booze, got into my car to buy booze, drove around the block and parked without buying any, finally fed and watered my cats and plants, thought about buying booze, read a book, thought about going to the pub, started another book, thought about going to a different pub, and now I'm writing this, all the while thinking about drinking.

This is really fucking hard. Oh, and my hands still haven't stopped shaking. I've talked to some people at aa and I just hope they can help me get through this. I've decided to stop talking to my regular circle of friends not because I don't need the support but I'll end up abusing it. I don't need to alienate the few friends that I haven't already hurt. The people at aa, are nice, they've been through this and they can help me anytime.

I just need to remember the hell I've been through these last couple of days. I don't want to ever go through this again. Maybe in a few months I'll feel strong enough to call friends again.
One second at a time. That's all I need to remember.