Shortly after I stopped drinking my boy and I had a pretty big fight. At the time, I was still experiencing black outs so I don't really recall why we were fighting. After a few hours I realized that I can't be part of a relationship when I'm so broken. I'm only going to drag him down. I need to fix me first. So I sent him an email. It was the worst way to break up in the entire world but I wasn't really thinking straight.
Normally when I break up with a guy, I'll have a few days of wearing pj's, eating ice cream, watching sappy movies and crying incessantly. I haven't done that. It's not because I didn't love him but because I'm so fucked up right now, trying not to think of drinking, there's nothing else I can even possibly think about. I'm pretty sure that in a while when I'm doing better, I'll break down and mourn our relationship. I just can't right now. I just want to drink. The urge to drink isn't happening quite as often anymore which is both good and bad. I'm starting to forget how bad the withdrawal was and am feeling almost normal again. It's almost easier to slip back into the cycle. I'm going to a meeting tonight and hopefully I can meet some people who can help me. No matter how long I go without alcohol, I can never drink again. There is no way for me to be a social drinker. I know that once I have that first beer, I'll end up drinking until I pass out.
My lifestyle is a drinking lifestyle. Everyone in my family drinks, all of my friends drink, I hang out at bars. One of my favorite things to do is to go out and try new beer and discuss how they taste. I can never do that again. It makes me cry more than losing the man that I love. That's how you know you're an alcoholic.
Ps. I've only been awake for an hour. I want a fucking beer. But instead I'm going to drink my coffee and cry because I want to make it through this.
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