I don't have a priest, so I'll just confess to the internet

This is something that I don't want to talk about, don't like to talk about but I have to.

I drink too much. I'm an alcoholic.

When I drink, I don't stop at one. I can't. Sometimes, I do but it's an effort and drinking is all I think about the rest of the day. I do stupid things. Like really stupid things. I'm not talking about picking up a neck brace you found on a fire hydrant, putting it on, and then walking around pretending your neck is broken. I know someone who did that. I call people, have a conversation and then call them back hours later and attempt to have the same one. There are many, many nights, and days that I don't remember. I hurt the people I care about.

I'm not usually a violent or spiteful person but when I drink I turn into a monster. I will pick fights. Not bar fights, or anything like that but I hurt people with words. Or I'll turn into one of those crying, pmsy type of girls. You know the ones. They'll turn a compliment their boyfriend has said into an insult. I used to laugh at these chicks, and their boys. Why do they do that? Why does he put up with that? That's me when I drink. I'm the epitome a pms girl. When you turn into something you hate, you need to re-evaluate your life and change something.

This is my change. I can't drink. It fucks me up, and I want it too much. Wanting to have a beer when you first get out of bed is not normal. I'd rather spend my money on booze than food. That's fucked up. I can't live like this anymore.

The problem is I hate the AA program. It's religious. I'm pretty much an atheist. So when they talk about giving your problems to God or whatever, it pisses me off. I want to start a religious debate. I lose sight of the reason why I'm there. But AA is the only way to quit. There aren't any other tried and true methods other than the 12 step program. I need to go back there. I need to find one that's not overly christian, has younger people, or at least people that I can relate to.

I need to stop the cycle. I don't like hiding in my apartment with a pack of smokes, a case of beer and shutting out the world. I want to be able to drive my car whenever I want, I want to go out and enjoy life, go to the museum, not be a drunk hermit.

I know this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done but it's also going to be the most rewarding. I'll get my life back.

I have a problem, and I'm writing this because I need help. I don't want judgement or pity, just support.

My name is anonymous  and I'm an alcoholic.