Ask for help. Depression kills.

I used to hate God. I hated all religions especially those of a Christian nature. It stems from me going to bible college, being miserable, not able to face my demons and failing the courses. Religion didn't work for me because I didn't make it through a religious college. Logical eh?

I used to scoff at religion, now I'm starting to fucking believe in God.

I'm an alcoholic. I was sober for three months and two days and then I fucked it up. I'm a self-saboteur. When you've struggled with depression, suicide attempts, self-harm, abuse, and alcoholism for so long, you forget what it feels to be happy, to be normal. I see others and attempt to emulate them in the hopes that I'll feel happy too. It never works. Which is why when life was actually starting to feel good, normal I chose to pick up the bottle again. The guilt and shame of ruining everything overwhelmed me. When I'm in that mind set, I don't think logically. I'm irrational and incredibly impulsive.

So there I was drinking alone with guilt eating me alive when I decided to get help. Not in the way most people ask for help but the way that someone who's so lost and doesn't know what to do does. I took some of my anti-depressants, called 911 and told them that I attempted suicide. I was hoping they would take me to the hospital, and then lock me in the psych ward so I wouldn't drink anymore. That didn't happen. I got taken away, handcuffed to a hospital bed and then kicked out at 7 in the morning. I was sober for two days after that when someone said something to me that I didn't like. I don't like being told what to do. So I did the opposite and I went out and got drunk again.

For quite a few days I lived in a drunken haze. I didn't eat, take my medication, or sleep. I just kept drinking, causing problems, fights, acting out like a child having a temper tantrum. On the plus side, I didn't have sex with anyone, get arrested, drink and drive, steal anything, hurt myself or attempt suicide. The whole time I was drinking, I was reaching out to those in AA, asking for help. And you know what they helped. I got sober again.

Unfortunately the withdrawal process was quite bad again. I neglected myself, I didn't eat, shower, drink enough water, or ask for help trying to get sober again. Somehow I made it through. If you're an addict, don't fucking relapse, it's so much harder to get sober and climb out of the hole.

By today I was feeling well enough to eat my first meal...holy shit has my stomach shrunk! But I ate, I went to an online meeting, I made plans with friends and family. But the week or so of neglect on my body took it's toll. I was sober but so incredibly depressed I wasn't sure if it was worth it. I wanted to drink, to cut, to take my life. And then I went on the internet and a read an amazing blog post about depression and it made me feel less alone. I've been asking for help for the last 15 plus years. Some people have been there and understand, most don't. But my problem is that I don't like bothering people. If you ask for help on the same problem that you've been yet to find a solution to, I feel that's taking advantage...mostly just irritating. That's the last thing I want. I have very few people I can ask for help which is why I didn't ask. I'm asking now. If someone is willing, I just need a hand up....again.

I know there is someone out there looking after me, why else would I have stumbled upon help from strangers on the internet. Maybe this will help someone else. You're not alone. It hurts, and when it starts to feel normal, you feel that you don't deserve it so you sabotage. I get it. I've sabotaged every good thing in my life for many, many years.

Anyhow, I'm back on the path of recovery. I'm going to keep falling, but I'm also never going to give up. Maybe one day, I can even learn to love myself. How can you form meaningful relationships if you don't even like yourself? Meditation, AA, trying to ask for help, and maybe starting to learn more about this God (Buddha, Universe, Monkey in the sky riding a unicorn, whomever is out there) because I sure as hell can't handle life by myself.