Thank you universe for helping me make it through the day.

There's always a honeymoon period in everything you do, whether it be a new job, a new relationship, a new way of life, and I'm pretty sure mine just ended.  Initially everything is perfect, it's bliss.  Then there comes a point where you notice faults, flaws and you have to work at it if you want to keep it.

At first sobriety was great (aside from the withdrawal of course), I could drive my car because I wasn't drunk, I didn't make a fool of myself in public quite as often, I didn't wake up naked in a strangers bed, I paid all of my bills on time, life was pretty awesometastic.  Today I woke up and I hated being sober.  I wanted to be drunk so badly it felt like I was suffocating. 


Yesterday I decided to throw a little party for myself.  It's not something I do very often, I'm very bad at planning and I always manage to throw a party at the same time as another major event.  This time I was sure it would be great.  My friends and I would drink tea, eat good food, celebrate my two months and three days of sobriety, celebrate my birthday and Christmas (because both will occur while I'm in rehab).  Too bad there was a major sporting event happening at the same time.  Most people chose to go to other parties so they could drink and watch the game.  I get it, I understand.  It was bad planning (again).  A few came and we had fun.  I should be grateful for that but I wasn't.  I wanted more.  I wanted people to care about me and my accomplishments instead of a silly game. 

Later on I had plans to meet my friend (whom I'm considering asking being my sponsor) for tea and then we were going to go to an AA meeting together.  I canceled.  I didn't even call her, I made up an excuse about my back hurting and sent a text.  For the first time since I was sober, I seriously contemplated suicide.  Every other time, I thought about it or attempted it I was drunk.  I even went so far as to plan it and what I would wear.  Silly, I know.  Maybe it's a girl thing.  But then I remembered how the last time went.  I died but they brought me back a few times.  The next few days in the hospital and psych ward weren't fun.  Maybe I'm here for a reason?  I might as well stick around and see what it is.  You can't stop watching a movie halfway through.  I went to bed early and ended up sleeping for over 15 hours. 

I decided that I was going to sit around and eat all of this food that I made for the party.  I don't want it to go to waste and since life sucked, I might as well get fat along the way.  I called a friend of mine to tell him that I wasn't going to do anything until I had to go to treatment.  He basically told me that there was nothing wrong with me and I shouldn't give into the psychosomatic symptoms and lethargy I was feeling.  He was right.  I could have laid around and done nothing or I could get up, stop feeling sorry for myself and do something.  He also gave me some of the greatest advice I've heard.  "No matter how late you get up, how screwed up the day gets, you can always just start it over.  Hit restart and from that moment on, have a great day". 

So that's what I was going to do.  A few hours later, I got ready to go to my meeting.  Along the way a man started following me very closely.  Even when I stopped, he did too.  I made it to the bus stop which was on a busy street and he bumped into me and walked away.  I started having an anxiety attack.  I needed a drink.  I was freaked out and I needed a fucking drink like a dehydrated man needs water.  I got on the bus instead.  I just about got off the bus half a dozen times so I could get booze and drink.  I made it to my meeting.  Outside there was a girl I had met previously.  I confessed that I really wanted to drink, I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be at home...drunk. 
Her: Stop feeling guilty.
Me: How did you know I was feeling guilty?
Her: I'm an alcoholic too.  I've been there.  Hell, even after 3 years I get the urge.  Just because you thought about drinking doesn't mean you need to feel guilty.  You're here.  You're not drunk.  You have two months of sobriety under your belt.  You should feel proud of yourself.  You've accomplished so much.

I still wanted to drink.  I went into the meeting planning on getting beer after it was over.  The only reason I was there was because I made a promise to my friend to go tonight.  For the first five or ten minutes I couldn't concentrate on the speaker because of the overwhelming urge to drink.  Then something happened.  I started listening and relating to the stories.  Then I got up and took my two month chip even though I didn't feel that I deserved it.  Then at the end of the meeting I read the promises, held hands with my neighbours and said the serenity prayer.  Funny, I no longer wanted to drink.  I wanted to go home, make a cup of tea and read a book. 

Being sober is hard.  It's a lot of work.  I can't just sail through this.  I have to start meditating, praying, going to more meetings, doing the steps, find a sponsor, get a home group, and I need to stop being so hard on myself.  I made it through today.  Someone once said something that really resonated with me..."I'm not going to drink today.  If I want to drink tomorrow, then so be it.  I'm not going to drink today".  One day at a time.  Even one second at a time, whatever it takes to make it through the day without a drink.

Mind the cliches

Today I had a complete and utter meltdown - one of the many I've had in the past month. Perhaps I was naive or just plain stupid but I was under the assumption that once I stopped drinking all I had to deal with was the constant cravings, and the effects of withdrawal. Boy, was I wrong.

Being an alcoholic consists of drinking and figuring out how you're going to get your next drink. Paying bills, meeting deadlines, treating others with respect and integrity, going to work, cleaning, eating, seeing your friends and family, not drinking and driving, going to appointments, putting on makeup, doing your hair, wearing nice clothes, all of those go right out the window. So when you ignore all of those you end up with a huge mess to clean up.

Some days I see the light at the end of the tunnel (excuse the cliche but it seemed most appropriate) and then others, like today, are so overwhelming it's hard to ignore the urge to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head.

I had finally been paid, a very small portion of what is owed to me, but none the less it was enough to pay the over due bills and keep my head above water until the rest of the funds came in. I also had a new bank card as my old one was fraudulent. I went to the corner store to buy my mandatory pack of smokes. Don't judge, I can only deal with one addiction at a time. I inserted my debit card, entered my pin and learned that my bank account was closed. I rooted through my purse, came up with enough change to cover the cost and then went home. Once home, I took off all my clothes (temper tantrums are always more satisfying when done in the buff), closed all the windows - lest my neighbours think that someone was being murdered when I started screaming, and let forth my rage which included the throwing of couch cushions, angry tweets and texts, and of course screaming/hysterical sobbing.

Once finished, I realized my tantrum, although thoroughly satisfying was completely unnecessary. I've had a lot of days like this and I got through them with the help of my friends and family. Perhaps the freak outs and tears weren't needed? All I was doing was venting my frustration and anger in an unhealthy way. Most children grow out of this stage and learn to cope in a healthier, more mature way. Why was I regressing? Or had I never developed adult coping skills?

There are going to be a lot more days like this. I can't behave like a child any longer. I don't need to add any more stress to the pile I already have. Instead of bitching and moaning I'm going to take the hand I'm dealt and use it to my advantage. Enough of letting life control my emotions, I'm going to take charge and control my life. It's time to dust off the heels, pull out the red lipstick and not only live my life but enjoy it. I might as well, I could end up as a dung beetle in the next life. I've got to take advantage of this one. I've got more than most. I have a support system, a great job, a roof over my head (albeit a crappy one that leaks in my living room), a car that is mostly reliable and a closet full of really great clothes that I haven't worn in months.

Watch out world, I'm back with a vengeance.

19 Days sober

The day after I drank the one beer I went out and bought more.  I drank them all.  I was drunk for two days straight.  That's when I realized I need more help than I currently have.  I called my parents (drunk) and told them I was drinking again.  They assumed that I had stopped back in 2009.  I hadn't.  I just told them that I did.  So of course I lied to them and told them I had been sober for a year and had only started drinking in the last few months. 

My mum was really supportive and asked what she could do to help me.  I kept apologizing over and over again.  She kept responding with "It's not your fault, you're sick, we'll get you the help you need."
Then she put my dad on the phone.  I apologized and he said sorry doesn't cut it. You need to take responsibility for your actions.  I kept trying to explain in my drunken stupor that this is what I was doing by telling them.  He yelled at me a bit more and then hung up.  Thanks dad, that doesn't make me want to drink again. 

At 3:48 am, September 24th I stopped drinking.  I've been sober ever since.  I know 19 days doesn't seem like a lot but it's a hell of a lot better than 1 day, or 0 days.  I'm proud of myself.  It's still really fucking hard but my friends and family have come through.  I'm getting the support I need.  I'm also going to go to rehab.  I'll write more about that later.

I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR 19 DAYS AND IT FEELS AWESOME!!!!!!

I failed. But tomorrow's a new day.

Earlier tonight, I got a phone call from a friend of mine asking if I wanted to go out for coffee.  I told him that I was still going through withdrawal and it was really hard for me right now.   He asked what the problem was.  I had already told him I was an alcoholic.  I explained again that I was an alcoholic and needed some time.  He then asked me why I was having such a hard time since he only invited me for coffee. 

Some background.  This guy is in his early 20's, still lives with his parents and entire social life revolves around cars.  He has NO other interests.  Needless to say, he's quite sheltered.  He didn't know what an addict is like, or how they feel when they decide to be sober.  It really frustrated me because I'm going through hell right now and he didn't fucking get it.  I know most that haven't been there don't know what it's like but most have a general idea.  This kid didn't.  To him it was the same as if I had the made decision to stop eating cabbage or something.  IT'S NOT THAT EASY!  I ended up hanging up on him because he was frustrating me. There are only so many ways you can explain that you're an addict. 

About an hour later I got a text message from my ex.  Not the ex that I'm still in love with but one that I dated last year.  We hadn't had any contact since we broke up.  This is the text he sent me verbatim. 

Weird random question since I know were not dating but r u still sexually attracted?

Number one: he knows (as well as everyone else I come in contact with) that I hate the short hand text messages.  Why can't you spell out you, or are?
Number two: I'm not that desperate for sex that I need to come back and sleep with him.  Why now?  The timing is horrid.  I'm trying to get sober, I don't want to deal with an ex that wants to sleep with me.

I told him to never contact me again.  I don't need this shit. 

Otherwise today was good, I had no cravings.  But for some reason I drove to the beer and wine store and bought a six pack.  I didn't want it or need it.  I was feeling good (craving wise) but for some reason, I bought beer.  I don't know why I did it.  But I did.  I felt guilty the minute I parked my car, and it got worse as I bought the beer and brought it home.  I left it in my fridge for an hour while wrestling with my conscience.  I wasn't waiting for the beer to get cold, it already was.  I made the decision that since I bought it, I might as well drink it.  I cracked open the first can and took a sip.  It tasted horrible.  I didn't like it at all.  I drank it all though.  I don't know why.  I then opened the other five cans and poured them down the sink.

I guess it's good that I didn't get stupid drunk but I shouldn't have even bought beer in the first place.  I feel so stupid because I was doing so good.  I guess I have to start the count down over.  Day one starts tomorrow.  

I finally figured out why I'm not hung up about my ex.  This break up doesn't feel real.  We still text each other almost everyday.  I need to realize it's over.  I can't keep hoping that once I'm sober we'll get back together.  He has his life, he's going to move on and I should as well.  I guess I should stop texting him.  But he's the only person that I told that I drank again and he didn't judge me, he made me feel better.  One beer in 216 hours isn't bad, baby steps honey.  He doesn't deserve to have me constantly bugging him with my issues.  I need to let him go.  Okay, reality just sunk in.  This is going to suck.  I'm now crying over our relationship.

Rehab

I just found out that my work covers rehab.  I initially said that I didn't want to go but after talking to a friend of mine, I've changed my mind.  I'm going to go to rehab.  God, I hope this helps.

How long is withdrawal supposed to last?

It's been over a week since I've stopped drinking.  It's true that I have a lot more energy than before but I'm still not even close to being back to my regular pre-drinking self.  I can't stop sweating, I'm freezing cold, have intense headaches, my hands are still shaking, and I'm having trouble with my memory.  At work today I forgot my own telephone number.  I couldn't even remember the area code. 

It's all worth it though.  I've accomplished more (housework, bills, writing, painting, etc.) in the last four days than I have in the last year alone.  I'm amazed.  I'm starting to get my life back.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  God, I hate cliches.  I'm excited to see how much more energy and motivation I'll have once the last of my symptoms have disappeared. 

I still really want to drink.  The urge doesn't happen very often anymore, which is good.  But because I've gotten used to not having the cravings ALL THE FUCKING TIME anymore, the ones that I get seem a lot stronger.  When I get one, it's overwhelming.  I've almost given in a few times. 

I knew this was going to be hard but I had no idea just how hard it really is.  Kudos to every other addict that got and stayed sober. 

The stress is going to kill me.

I just got back from a work meeting.  I just about had a panic attack walking into the office.  I made it through and everything is okay but I'm still so high strung.  I need to drink.  I can't stop thinking about it.  Why won't my hands stop shaking?

I feel like I've been run over by a truck, and I look worse.

No sleep.  Off to a meeting at work.  I want a drink.  Life is really hard right now.

The day started off okay.

So far today has been good.  I've gotten a lot of errands done.  It's weird being able to drive my car, especially at night because I'm usually so drunk.  Last night when I was driving, I couldn't stop smiling.  It was the best feeling in the entire world.


I haven't had any cravings to drink today up until now.  I WANT A BEER!  But I'm not going to have one.  I'm going to stay sober and write about it in this blog, which is why I created it.  I never imagined it would be this difficult.  The craving is so strong, I start crying.  It's unbearable (or unbeerable), it's almost like a pain inside of me.  I just need to make it through and I'll be okay.  I've gone the entire day with only this one craving so hopefully it'll get better over time.

Fuck, I need a drink.

I'm crying over the wrong thing.

Shortly after I stopped drinking my boy and I had a pretty big fight.  At the time, I was still experiencing black outs so I don't really recall why we were fighting.  After a few hours I realized that I can't be part of a relationship when I'm so broken.  I'm only going to drag him down.  I need to fix me first.  So I sent him an email.  It was the worst way to break up in the entire world but I wasn't really thinking straight. 

Normally when I break up with a guy, I'll have a few days of wearing pj's, eating ice cream, watching sappy movies and crying incessantly.  I haven't done that.  It's not because I didn't love him but because I'm so fucked up right now, trying not to think of drinking, there's nothing else I can even possibly think about.  I'm pretty sure that in a while when I'm doing better, I'll break down and mourn our relationship.  I just can't right now.  I just want to drink.  The urge to drink isn't happening quite as often anymore which is both good and bad.  I'm starting to forget how bad the withdrawal was and am feeling almost normal again.  It's almost easier to slip back into the cycle.  I'm going to a meeting tonight and hopefully I can meet some people who can help me.  No matter how long I go without alcohol, I can never drink again.  There is no way for me to be a social drinker.  I know that once I have that first beer, I'll end up drinking until I pass out. 

My lifestyle is a drinking lifestyle.  Everyone in my family drinks, all of my friends drink, I hang out at bars.  One of my favorite things to do is to go out and try new beer and discuss how they taste.  I can never do that again.  It makes me cry more than losing the man that I love.  That's how you know you're an alcoholic. 

Ps. I've only been awake for an hour.  I want a fucking beer.  But instead I'm going to drink my coffee and cry because I want to make it through this.

The beer run

A few hours ago I had a craving for beer.  This one for some reason was really bad.  I called the main office of AA just because I haven't met any other alcoholics that I feel comfortable enough calling on the phone.  The man that answered was less than helpful.  When I asked if the craving goes away after a while, like when you quit smoking the cravings subside and usually disappear, he responded with "yes, you can smoke while you're at our meeting".  English wasn't his first language.  I eventually got a meeting location and time from him before he hung up.  I had more questions! 

It left me more frustrated and craving a beer more than ever. 

My craving and my logic kept arguing.

Craving: You're only human.  We all slip.  No one will judge you if you drink tonight.  No one judged you when you only quit smoking for two days.

Logic: Yeah, well I don't want to go through withdrawal again. 

Craving: What about all of those alcoholics that died after quitting cold turkey? Do you want to die?  It's better to wean yourself off of it.  Go buy some beer and just have a few.  It'll make the withdrawal better.

Logic: I've already been sober for over three days.  If that were true, I would have already died. And besides look at how much I've accomplished today.  I cleaned most of the apartment, normally it takes me two days just to clean half of one room.

Craving: Well you deserve a treat.  Go buy yourself some beer.  Celebrate.  You've worked hard, you earned it.

Logic: Okay. And I went out and bought some non-alcoholic beer. 

Craving: Strangely silent for once.

I wasn't sure if it would be a good idea or a bad one to buy near beer.  On one hand, it would be nice to have a cold beer with no consequences but on the other it might make me want real beer so badly I would give into the craving.   So far, I've had one beer and then I was no longer thirsty.  I think I'm going to start using near beer as a quitting aid. 

Take things day by day? I'm just working on getting through the seconds.

Since I made the decision to stop drinking, I've realized how badly addicted I truly was. Not drinking feels like someone told me to stop breathing. The first day, I felt fine. Other than wanting to have a drink. And thinking about it every single second of the entire day. The second day, my hands started shaking so badly I could barely pick up a glass of water. My skin was clammy, and I felt like the sweat was pouring off of me. It actually was. I started wearing a toque just so it didn't drip into my eyes. With all of this sweating, you'd think I was hot. Nope, I had all of the windows shut, the radiator in both rooms cranked, and I was in bed with four blankets on me. I might have also been wearing long underware, pj pants, long sleeved shirt, and a hoodie.

I stayed in bed for two days, sleeping for no more than two hours at a time. When I could remember I tried to fill up my water jug. I left the apartment once (in my pj's, hair a mess, with blood shot eyes) to buy smokes. Some guy parked his truck across four spots. I called him an asshole. I got punched. My fault. I was just this angry, crazy looking lady, yelling at him and spewing profanity. I got my smokes, got home and made a voodoo doll. I'm just kidding. I have no idea how to make a voodoo doll. I actually just reflected upon my actions, and meditated.

Today was the first morning that I actually felt like getting out of bed. My head was clear, I didn't feel like I was hungover, just extremely weak. Three days of subsiding on nothing but water tends to do that to a person. I cleaned my oven, thought about buying booze, talked to a union rep at work, thought about buying booze, took a shower, thought about buying booze, got into my car to buy booze, drove around the block and parked without buying any, finally fed and watered my cats and plants, thought about buying booze, read a book, thought about going to the pub, started another book, thought about going to a different pub, and now I'm writing this, all the while thinking about drinking.

This is really fucking hard. Oh, and my hands still haven't stopped shaking. I've talked to some people at aa and I just hope they can help me get through this. I've decided to stop talking to my regular circle of friends not because I don't need the support but I'll end up abusing it. I don't need to alienate the few friends that I haven't already hurt. The people at aa, are nice, they've been through this and they can help me anytime.

I just need to remember the hell I've been through these last couple of days. I don't want to ever go through this again. Maybe in a few months I'll feel strong enough to call friends again.
One second at a time. That's all I need to remember.

I don't have a priest, so I'll just confess to the internet

This is something that I don't want to talk about, don't like to talk about but I have to.

I drink too much. I'm an alcoholic.

When I drink, I don't stop at one. I can't. Sometimes, I do but it's an effort and drinking is all I think about the rest of the day. I do stupid things. Like really stupid things. I'm not talking about picking up a neck brace you found on a fire hydrant, putting it on, and then walking around pretending your neck is broken. I know someone who did that. I call people, have a conversation and then call them back hours later and attempt to have the same one. There are many, many nights, and days that I don't remember. I hurt the people I care about.

I'm not usually a violent or spiteful person but when I drink I turn into a monster. I will pick fights. Not bar fights, or anything like that but I hurt people with words. Or I'll turn into one of those crying, pmsy type of girls. You know the ones. They'll turn a compliment their boyfriend has said into an insult. I used to laugh at these chicks, and their boys. Why do they do that? Why does he put up with that? That's me when I drink. I'm the epitome a pms girl. When you turn into something you hate, you need to re-evaluate your life and change something.

This is my change. I can't drink. It fucks me up, and I want it too much. Wanting to have a beer when you first get out of bed is not normal. I'd rather spend my money on booze than food. That's fucked up. I can't live like this anymore.

The problem is I hate the AA program. It's religious. I'm pretty much an atheist. So when they talk about giving your problems to God or whatever, it pisses me off. I want to start a religious debate. I lose sight of the reason why I'm there. But AA is the only way to quit. There aren't any other tried and true methods other than the 12 step program. I need to go back there. I need to find one that's not overly christian, has younger people, or at least people that I can relate to.

I need to stop the cycle. I don't like hiding in my apartment with a pack of smokes, a case of beer and shutting out the world. I want to be able to drive my car whenever I want, I want to go out and enjoy life, go to the museum, not be a drunk hermit.

I know this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done but it's also going to be the most rewarding. I'll get my life back.

I have a problem, and I'm writing this because I need help. I don't want judgement or pity, just support.

My name is anonymous  and I'm an alcoholic.