Earlier tonight, I got a phone call from a friend of mine asking if I wanted to go out for coffee. I told him that I was still going through withdrawal and it was really hard for me right now. He asked what the problem was. I had already told him I was an alcoholic. I explained again that I was an alcoholic and needed some time. He then asked me why I was having such a hard time since he only invited me for coffee.
Some background. This guy is in his early 20's, still lives with his parents and entire social life revolves around cars. He has NO other interests. Needless to say, he's quite sheltered. He didn't know what an addict is like, or how they feel when they decide to be sober. It really frustrated me because I'm going through hell right now and he didn't fucking get it. I know most that haven't been there don't know what it's like but most have a general idea. This kid didn't. To him it was the same as if I had the made decision to stop eating cabbage or something. IT'S NOT THAT EASY! I ended up hanging up on him because he was frustrating me. There are only so many ways you can explain that you're an addict.
About an hour later I got a text message from my ex. Not the ex that I'm still in love with but one that I dated last year. We hadn't had any contact since we broke up. This is the text he sent me verbatim.
Weird random question since I know were not dating but r u still sexually attracted?
Number one: he knows (as well as everyone else I come in contact with) that I hate the short hand text messages. Why can't you spell out you, or are?
Number two: I'm not that desperate for sex that I need to come back and sleep with him. Why now? The timing is horrid. I'm trying to get sober, I don't want to deal with an ex that wants to sleep with me.
I told him to never contact me again. I don't need this shit.
Otherwise today was good, I had no cravings. But for some reason I drove to the beer and wine store and bought a six pack. I didn't want it or need it. I was feeling good (craving wise) but for some reason, I bought beer. I don't know why I did it. But I did. I felt guilty the minute I parked my car, and it got worse as I bought the beer and brought it home. I left it in my fridge for an hour while wrestling with my conscience. I wasn't waiting for the beer to get cold, it already was. I made the decision that since I bought it, I might as well drink it. I cracked open the first can and took a sip. It tasted horrible. I didn't like it at all. I drank it all though. I don't know why. I then opened the other five cans and poured them down the sink.
I guess it's good that I didn't get stupid drunk but I shouldn't have even bought beer in the first place. I feel so stupid because I was doing so good. I guess I have to start the count down over. Day one starts tomorrow.
I finally figured out why I'm not hung up about my ex. This break up doesn't feel real. We still text each other almost everyday. I need to realize it's over. I can't keep hoping that once I'm sober we'll get back together. He has his life, he's going to move on and I should as well. I guess I should stop texting him. But he's the only person that I told that I drank again and he didn't judge me, he made me feel better. One beer in 216 hours isn't bad, baby steps honey. He doesn't deserve to have me constantly bugging him with my issues. I need to let him go. Okay, reality just sunk in. This is going to suck. I'm now crying over our relationship.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your recovery with the world! Know that there are people and places out there to turn to for support and there certainly are more than enough people out there struggling in the same ways. You are correct, tomorrow is a new day and we hope that you found a way through this and you're now only adding days to your recovery.
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