There's always a honeymoon period in everything you do, whether it be a new job, a new relationship, a new way of life, and I'm pretty sure mine just ended. Initially everything is perfect, it's bliss. Then there comes a point where you notice faults, flaws and you have to work at it if you want to keep it.
At first sobriety was great (aside from the withdrawal of course), I could drive my car because I wasn't drunk, I didn't make a fool of myself in public quite as often, I didn't wake up naked in a strangers bed, I paid all of my bills on time, life was pretty awesometastic. Today I woke up and I hated being sober. I wanted to be drunk so badly it felt like I was suffocating.
Yesterday I decided to throw a little party for myself. It's not something I do very often, I'm very bad at planning and I always manage to throw a party at the same time as another major event. This time I was sure it would be great. My friends and I would drink tea, eat good food, celebrate my two months and three days of sobriety, celebrate my birthday and Christmas (because both will occur while I'm in rehab). Too bad there was a major sporting event happening at the same time. Most people chose to go to other parties so they could drink and watch the game. I get it, I understand. It was bad planning (again). A few came and we had fun. I should be grateful for that but I wasn't. I wanted more. I wanted people to care about me and my accomplishments instead of a silly game.
Later on I had plans to meet my friend (whom I'm considering asking being my sponsor) for tea and then we were going to go to an AA meeting together. I canceled. I didn't even call her, I made up an excuse about my back hurting and sent a text. For the first time since I was sober, I seriously contemplated suicide. Every other time, I thought about it or attempted it I was drunk. I even went so far as to plan it and what I would wear. Silly, I know. Maybe it's a girl thing. But then I remembered how the last time went. I died but they brought me back a few times. The next few days in the hospital and psych ward weren't fun. Maybe I'm here for a reason? I might as well stick around and see what it is. You can't stop watching a movie halfway through. I went to bed early and ended up sleeping for over 15 hours.
I decided that I was going to sit around and eat all of this food that I made for the party. I don't want it to go to waste and since life sucked, I might as well get fat along the way. I called a friend of mine to tell him that I wasn't going to do anything until I had to go to treatment. He basically told me that there was nothing wrong with me and I shouldn't give into the psychosomatic symptoms and lethargy I was feeling. He was right. I could have laid around and done nothing or I could get up, stop feeling sorry for myself and do something. He also gave me some of the greatest advice I've heard. "No matter how late you get up, how screwed up the day gets, you can always just start it over. Hit restart and from that moment on, have a great day".
So that's what I was going to do. A few hours later, I got ready to go to my meeting. Along the way a man started following me very closely. Even when I stopped, he did too. I made it to the bus stop which was on a busy street and he bumped into me and walked away. I started having an anxiety attack. I needed a drink. I was freaked out and I needed a fucking drink like a dehydrated man needs water. I got on the bus instead. I just about got off the bus half a dozen times so I could get booze and drink. I made it to my meeting. Outside there was a girl I had met previously. I confessed that I really wanted to drink, I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be at home...drunk.
Her: Stop feeling guilty.
Me: How did you know I was feeling guilty?
Her: I'm an alcoholic too. I've been there. Hell, even after 3 years I get the urge. Just because you thought about drinking doesn't mean you need to feel guilty. You're here. You're not drunk. You have two months of sobriety under your belt. You should feel proud of yourself. You've accomplished so much.
I still wanted to drink. I went into the meeting planning on getting beer after it was over. The only reason I was there was because I made a promise to my friend to go tonight. For the first five or ten minutes I couldn't concentrate on the speaker because of the overwhelming urge to drink. Then something happened. I started listening and relating to the stories. Then I got up and took my two month chip even though I didn't feel that I deserved it. Then at the end of the meeting I read the promises, held hands with my neighbours and said the serenity prayer. Funny, I no longer wanted to drink. I wanted to go home, make a cup of tea and read a book.
Being sober is hard. It's a lot of work. I can't just sail through this. I have to start meditating, praying, going to more meetings, doing the steps, find a sponsor, get a home group, and I need to stop being so hard on myself. I made it through today. Someone once said something that really resonated with me..."I'm not going to drink today. If I want to drink tomorrow, then so be it. I'm not going to drink today". One day at a time. Even one second at a time, whatever it takes to make it through the day without a drink.
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